How does one establish freedom from conflict in a relationship?

gurudev (2)

What creates conflicts is often conflicting demands. Two people in a relationship may have conflicting demands. Each one is a demanding and a needy person. Demands indicate emotional need. We are not totally content with ourselves. We need others to love us, make us happy. For that we need them to conduct themselves in a certain agreeable way. Then only do we feel loved.

How do we know we are loved? Love being subjective, there is no one way of judging or sensing it. We may understand it if we are sensitive, but we are often not. So we judge love by the way the other person conducts himself or herself. The reason we make demands upon others to conduct themselves our way is because of our need for their acceptance, love and respect. This is our way of asking for comfort. Unfortunately they also have their needs and expect the same of us. Conflicts arise when these expectations are different. So accept others as they are with their virtues and limitations and be as undemanding as possible.

Ideally, freedom in a relationship is when there are no demands from those related to each other. A relationship is healthy when each one’s needs, welfare and comfort are met with love and understanding. Freedom in a relationship requires maturity on both sides. Maturity is in terms of understanding that a relationship is for mutual help, support and nurturing. This kind of attitude establishes harmony.

A relationship based on mature give and take, nurturing, nourishing and sustenance will blossom and gain strength. To the extent the relationship is free from demands and is established on the basis of helping and giving, with concern and care for each other, to that extent there will be freedom from conflicts in the relationship.

Swami Viditatmananda Saraswati

Excerpts from Hindu Dharma, Basics & Beyond
Link to Swamiji’s Discourses Videos

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